A true test of freedom | from the Pueblos of New Mexico to a Chicago family affair
Mexico explorations, I am seeking understanding of the Indigenous Cultural traditions in the area through visiting sites, like Taos Pueblo and enjoying readings, such as Book of the Hopi. I hope to learn more about the core values these people embodied in the ways they lived their lives including: love, respect, compassion, faith, understanding, spirituality, balance, peace, and empathy.
In recent conversations, I have had a number of people express admiration for the amount of freedom that I have created in the current iteration of my life. In retrospect, some of it was a conscious choice, and some of it was not so conscious. In my early 20s, as I walked on the crystal sands of the North Florida beaches with a close friend, I remember stating my commitment to myself was to live an “interesting life.” At that time, this vision entailed aspirations of living and working overseas and little attachment to creating a family of my own, but as I approached the 30 year mark, peer influences had started weighing on me.
I witnessed my friends and colleagues making decisions that prioritized stability - long-term romantic partnership, purchasing their first homes, starting families, and committing to a career path. I started to wonder if I too should be prioritizing pursuing those things, as much as anything to not feel “left behind.” I had been in Nashville for three years at the time (my longest tenure in a place since leaving my hometown at 18 years old), landed a corporate job where I was performing well, started looking at purchasing a home, and was in my first long-term relationship in quite some time. All the markers of reaching “adulthood” in our society were well within reach, and I had a front row seat to the allure and intrigue of it all.
And yet, the closer I got to purchasing a house, the less aligned it felt. When I proposed to my brother that even if I did not stay in Nashville, it would be a good investment, he posed the question: “do you really want to be a landlord, Elizabeth?” and that was enough for me to close the door on that pursuit at the time. The romantic relationship I was in proved to be unstable and anxiety-ridden, and it was not worth holding onto in order to prove something to myself or anyone else. And the politics and bureaucracy of the corporation I was working in at the time, which initially I enjoyed the challenges of learning to navigate, quickly lost its appeal. Before I knew it, I was onto my next work adventure, honoring my more entrepreneurial nature by working at a small marketing agency. “Stability” be damned!
Another area I am looking to focus on during my time in New Mexico is taking in the arts scene and seeing what inspiration unfolds. In that vein, I had the chance to pay a visit to Meow Wolf, an immersive art exhibit that plays with the realms of fantasy, realism, and alternative dimensions. Simply fantastic!
I had the opportunity to witness my growth in this area through my recent attendance at a family wedding…so ripe for all the juicy historical stuff to come up, show it a good heap of compassion, and see how you respond based upon the new tools and perspectives you have developed along the way. My flight from New Mexico to Chicago was filled with anticipation, knowing I was walking into a world that I formerly had sought access to by playing by enough of the rules to get by, but that no longer had a place in my life. It was a world that valued elite education, professional esteem, and affiliation with social status. And as I began the mingling at the bridal luncheon, the anxiety was confirmed…I was completely out of my element circulating around discussions about HGTV, the latest in the Harry & Megan Saga, or trending honeymoon destinations.
My inner little girl felt a sense of panic…there is no connection even available for us here! Where is our oxygen!?? By the time I reached the evening cocktail party, I was resigned to the realities of the situation, and decided to take the strategy of “retreating” instead of “engaging.” I should also add that I was taking a break from alcohol at the time, so that social crutch was not readily at my fingertips. The critical voices in my head reared up, reminding us that we have always been able to “play along” and what is wrong that we were not effectively socially adapting to our environment?! My parents playdate with my cousin’s children on Saturday morning, who have basically served as “stand in'' grandchildren, since neither my brother nor I have had children of our own, activated what I thought were my resolved motherhood longings, and before I knew it, I was a tearful mess, finding solace by letting the emotions move through my body as I strolled solo along the Lake Michigan shores. Needless to say, by Saturday afternoon, I was already emotionally exhausted, and we had yet to even participate in the main event!
The true celebratory moment arrived when I decided to invite both my brother and my dad to know me for all the complicated feelings that were surfacing. My spirit of self-reliance has often led me to “suffer in silence” when I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and my continued growth has been to let myself be known and comforted by those who can show me presence in those precious moments. So as we walked through the splendor of the Art Institute of Chicago Gallery, I asked for my needs to be met by these two men - requesting that my brother let me share what I was feeling, and that my Dad give me a hug. I acknowledged to them both that I was so grateful for the life I get to live in this moment in time, where I have never felt more aligned to my truth, and yet, there is still a part of me that clearly still grieves for aspects of the “conventional life” that was represented by so many who were present for the wedding. My Dad freely offered physical comfort with reassuring words, and my brother, who has also lived a non-traditional life in many ways, expressed understanding and an alternative perspective - they both did great.
I reflected that it is in your 40s when a lot of life’s detours all the sudden seem less readily available, and the costs to make pivots, personally or professionally, seems far too risky to endure, for many. Whatever life choices we have made to this point, there is likely some kind of grief around some kind of path that was not pursued…a lover left behind, a bold career move we didn’t have the courage to make, a need sacrificed in order to be of service to a loved one, or a childhood dream that we might have to delay until our kids are grown.
This handsome bunch of family was great company for the wedding weekend festivities, bringing all the energy and flair to the explorations of Chicago as well as the reception dance floor.
By the time the actual wedding festivities rolled around, we were all dolled up, and ready to boogie. The couple were clearly having one of the best days of their lives…surrounded by dear friends who were glad to reciprocate the love and presence shown when they too had decided to make a public commitment of marriage. There was so much hope, joy, and celebration expressed throughout the evening's affairs, and a true sense of devotion and delight shared between the bride and groom. My own unmet longing around a long-term romantic partnership which feels like a sense of home poured out as more tears flowed in sync with the amazing beats served up by the DJ…the dance floor has always been the place in the world I have felt most connected to myself and able to find a spirit of levity and play, even in the most challenging of times. I also felt so much love and appreciation in my heart for the beautiful sense of peace and harmony my family has achieved through years of individual and collective growth.
I continue to find that to be fully alive is to realize most of life’s moments have capacity for immense grief as well as heaps of gratitude. The best we can do is invite our hearts to be touched by it all, trust our resilience in the midst of it, and allow ourselves to be supported along the way. That is where the true beauty is to be found. So here is to celebrating our choices, acknowledging both our abundance and unfulfilled longings, and finding our own unique sense of freedom in the midst of it all. And if you need some inspiration in the form of media, I am seriously digging H.E.R’s the Journey.
